Thursday, 22 November 2018


“Nun lieber Kinder, gebt fein acht ...” - Rammstein

Now pay attention, children:
hug your teddy bears,
close your eyes,
squeeze them tight,
there’s footsteps on the stairs.

Jacob and his nanny
prowl these darkened rooms.
They’ll tell on you
and watch you stew
and titter in the gloom.

Jacob’s old already,
he wears a prefect’s badge,
he’ll blame you
and he’ll cane you.
He likes a girl called Madge.

Or is it Mags or Margaret?
You know the one I mean:
the nasty perm,
the endless term,
her every breath obscene.

And when you grow, dear children,
you’ll recognise your boss:
the suit and tie,
the beady eye,
the profit and the loss.

The profit, incidentally, ‘s his,
the loss is yours, my friend.
He’ll work you hard,
the knacker’s yard
will be your dismal end.

Now he’s speaking in the House:
received pronunciation
makes it seem
that what he means
is spiffing for our nation.

His Eurosceptic Brexit’s hard
(that’s not the only thing!)
When we crash out
we’re up the spout,
but he’ll be rich: ker-chhhhing!

His nanny’s waiting in the wings,
her smile a shriek of joy,
her husk the host
of Maggie’s ghost;
she cheers her dear dear boy.

© Neil Fulwood

'The most remarkable woman': How Jacob Rees-Mogg's nanny, who protected his children from Class War activists, has worked for the family for 52 years

Neil Fulwood lives and works in Nottingham. His first collection No Avoiding It is available from Shoestring Press; his second is scheduled for publication in 2019.