Tuesday, 6 March 2018


Charlie Lambert recently wrote the following poem, 'Gun-Adept' which was published in the In Brief... section.
'Word-adept', as Charlie put it, "seemed the logical follow-up."


I've trained for my mission.
Checked my guns, my ammunition,
scouted the entrance, the classrooms, the hall,
planned my escape round the swimming pool wall.
Reviewed all the details to every last feature.
So first to die must now be the teacher.


It’s not my fault this poem’s so bad,
it’s the adjectives that drive me mad.
I just find words to pepper my book
like bullets from Parkland or Sandy Hook.

The President knows just who to blame.
He’s learned his script, takes careful aim:
mental illness, he tells the camera,
and the FBI for getting it wrong,
and the armed guard who didn’t stay long,
and it isn’t my fault I am a

writer of words which aren’t always
under control.

Today I’m advertising across the nation.
I’m setting up the National Word Association.

Its constitution I’m going to write
to give all folk the sacred right
to carry words about their person,
and use them should the story worsen.
The second amendment will guarantee
whole sentences spouting liberty,
free to wound the good, or idle,
and get repealed the laws of libel.

With rapid-action bumpstock chatter,
true or not, it doesn’t matter,
the President conducts the crowd
of sycophants and thinks aloud
of all the things he’s done to date
that in his head make America great.

And the National Word Association’s there
to guard him should he curse or swear.
We’ll give the senators a million bucks
to stop the guy who says it sucks
to fire vocabulary at innocent targets -
not bribes, just our natural largesse.

The NWA will check you’ve seen
both ways to use a magazine,
syllables pumped up to fire,
spike counts reading ever higher,
verbs, nouns, smart effects,
all on sale with no real checks.

Illiterates welcome at our shop,
A horror tale with no full stop.

© Charlie Lambert

Charlie Lambert is a former journalist and sports broadcaster who turned to a different form of media in 2016 when he started writing poetry. He lives in Liverpool.