Monday, 23 June 2014

Nobody Expects the Poetry Inquisition

            Paxman called for an “inquisition”
            in which “poets [would be] called
            to account for their poetry” …
                                    - The Guardian, 2 June 2014
Entries are now being accepted
for the Auto-da-Fé Open Poetry Competition.
This year’s adjudicator: Tomas de Torquemada.
Tomas has published several pamphlets,
including the Alhambra Award-winning
Confess, You Heretic Bastard. He takes
a keen interest in contemporary arts
and has personally put many free thinkers to death.
Rules of the competition: poems may be
on any subject, but special consideration
is given to religious themes. (The organisers
of the Auto-da-Fé Open Poetry Competition
accept no liability for midnight visits
from the Inquisition.) Poems should not be longer
than 40 lines. Poets should be able to withstand
at least as many lashes. Contrary to the usual rules,
poems should be clearly marked with the poet’s
name, address and details of immediate family.
First prize: you get to keep your life. Second
prize: only one limb removed during torture.
Third prize: a comfy chair after your day on the rack.
Entry fee: three pounds of flesh per poem.

© Neil Fullwood

Neil Fulwood was born in 1972, the son of a truck driver, the grandson of a miner. Nobody can figure out where the whole poetry thing came from. His interests include reading, movies, and visiting inns and taverns of architectural interest. It still amazes Neil how many people confuse this with pub-crawling.