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Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Hairy Stockings

Anti-pervert hairy stockings,
could they be a summer hit?
The latest practical fashion item
in a woman's survival kit. 

Women tired of endless staring 
at their legs can now deflect 
all unwanted male attention 
and command instant respect. 

“Super sexy, anti-pervert 
leg-hair stockings are the trend,
essential in a woman's wardrobe,”
say the ads, “So tell your friends!

Ladder proof and snuggly fitting,
perfect for the summertime,
bushy stockings are the answer
to the growth in pervy crime.”

They're going down a bomb in China,
where millions now avert their eyes,
hear the sound of leg hair scraping
rhythmically on ladies' thighs. 

But before you rush to buy them,
think about the 'handsome guys'
put off by such gruesome leg wear. 
Is this method really wise?

Wearers say they feel disgusting,
annihilate all female charm. 
Is it worth such drastic measures?
Does a look do any harm?

I think I'll stick to baggy trousers -
always does the trick for me,
and if I want some hairy legs 
I'll use the ones I've got, for free. 

© Heather Wastie
June 2013

Hairy stockings aimed at deflecting unwanted male attention

Heather Wastie is a poet and musician based in Kidderminster where she is Writer in Residence at the Museum of Carpet. See Wastie's Space to find out more.


  1. A very entertaining and revealing poem. The last stanza summarises the point well: why resort to artificial aids when you can grow hairs as nature intended and not shave your legs. Think of the money you save on razors.

  2. A wonderful bouncy rhythm to this poem with a timely warning at the end. Some of us actually like male attention and we don't want to put off genuine admirers! Very well done.

  3. Can't think of much that is more likely to make me stare at a woman's legs than the sight of them in a pair of hairy stockings.

    Enjoyed the poem!

  4. Many thanks for your comments. I'm so glad you like it.

  5. Fantastic poem, Heather. I loved the rhythm to it and it's very funny too! :)

  6. Thanks, Jae. I think it might feature in my performance repertoire :-)

  7. A great poem Heather, fab rhythms and I love the humour. I think it would be a good performance poem.

  8. Thank you very much, Carolyn. I'll give my Hairy Stockings an airing in gigs over the next couple of weeks and see how they go down ;-)