Tuesday, 24 April 2012


You’re in love, and your girlfriend is hot,
But think twice about tying the knot.
For a Brit it is hard to get out.
Don’t propose if you’re ever in doubt.

Once you’re stuck, you will see a divorce
Is impossible, unless, of course,
Your significant other will act
Without reason - I know that’s a fact.

She would have to cook only the fish
You declared your least favourite dish,
Leave the toilet seat down all the time,
Or be partner in organized crime.

She would have to have too much to drink,
Or have armpits that constantly stink,
Keep tarantulas next to your bed
And complain when you sleep in the shed.

She would have to breathe hard as a whale,
Or take drugs on a pretty large scale,
Be promiscuous, lazy or fat,
Or insist that you slaughter your cat.

With the carpenter she’d have to flirt,
Showing off in a much too tight skirt,
Tell the plumber her dirtiest joke,
Or say “Honey” to any old bloke.

The remote she would have to abuse,
Watching nothing but BBC News,
Be upset when you go to a game,
Call your jokes either stupid or lame.

She would have to keep mum for a year
And with post-its her wishes make clear,
Be obsessed with the fringes of rugs,
Or start spraying for telephone bugs.

So be careful before you propose.
How a marriage will go, no one knows.
In America it’s different, of course:
It’s a country of no-fault divorce.

© Vala Hafstad

Tuna Again? In Fault-Finding England, It’s a Cause for Divorce
Vala Hafstad lives in Minnesota. She writes humorous poems for children and, occasionally, their parents.