Saturday, 26 November 2011

True Britannia

The queue for the Customer Disservice desk,
takes me by unsurprise:
“Would you mind completing a customer satisfaction survey,
while you wait to be dissatisfied?”

Silently practicing a complaints speech
so dynamic
it could make the shop assistant,
take a soul-searching sabbatical to Tibet –
Seven months training in Basic Human Interaction,
a further two months in Common Courtesy,
and one week in How to use a biro,
without getting ink all over your hands

This is the complaints speech to end all complaints speeches
A  ‘perfect pauses,
SHOUTS in all the right places,
righteous riot act’ of a speech.
A  ‘left to my own devices
and with the benefit of hindsight,
I might have had a dream’  kind of speech.

But then the hypnotic voice of British sensibilities kicks in:

“3, 2, 1 and you’re under...
As the queue diminishes, so will your resolve.
You will accept the shop assistant’s feeble excuses
and a voucher that does not represent
value for money, or time that you’ll never get back
and you will thank her for the privilege.
If you attempt to go against your ingrained,
 ‘mustn’t cause a fuss’  Britishness,
I will make you buy an onion from the Food Court
and eat it, thinking it’s an apple.

Now, leave quietly
and don’t forget to smile”

© Dave Viney

British comedy and terrible customer service, a match made in heaven
Dave Viney, Mancunian performance poet has performed for BBC Manchester, currently performing in Amateur Thematics / Lowry Theatre and can be contacted at ,
while his website is being shiny-fied.