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Monday, 15 August 2011

The royal split

I was at my Mac

finishing off the front cover.

I thought it was one of my best.

The boss leaned over my shoulder.

'The Prince. Take him out.'

I said, 'Isn't that treason?

Remember the Tower of London.'

But he was reapplying his nicotine patch

And didn't hear me.

He's not one for jokes these days.

'Lose him,' he said,

sitting on the edge of my desk

so I could smell his stress.

'I don't know what she saw in him anyway.

Bald as a newborn's arse or what?'

I said, 'I can't erase the future monarch

from his wedding photo.

It would kill my mother.

She's bought plates and everything

and watches the DVD every Sunday.'

He was checking his watch.

'11.30,' he said. 'Time for my lunch.

Just do her a new arm

where he used to be.

And tidy up the waistline a bit.'

At the door he turned.

'Ah, second thoughts?' I said.

'Thinking of your knighthood?'

'You cock up that lace,' he said,

'and you can start ringing Mr Sainsbury.'

© Fran Hill

Grazia admits digitally slimming Kate Middleton photo


Fran lives in the West Midlands (UK). She teaches English in a local secondary school, writes, performs, blogs, tweets and tries to resist chocolate.


  1. What about Will's celulite?

  2. Very witty. I like the idea of a spell in the Tower Fran!

  3. Hahaha - really loved this poem - at least they were just trying to remove Will and not make her look slimmer (that would have been ridiculous).

  4. Steve - is it on his head? That's the only way we'll see it.

    Rathnashikamani - thank you.

    Little Nell - So do I, on some of my busier days.

    Gabrielle - yes, I thought exactly the same. She's not exactly morbidly obese.