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Friday, 6 May 2011

The Royal Wedding Day

We’re thrilled, elated, quite bewitched
That Will and Kate are getting hitched.
There hasn’t been a Royal bash
Since that funeral (post-crash).
Now out across the royal domain
The Union Jack shall fly again!
Across the land are bands of Nanas
Knitting flags and painting banners.

Cometh the day, cometh the man:
The good, the great, the also-ran:
The organ swells, with trumpets blaring
Bloody Hell! What’s Beatrice wearing?
How’s she going to find a hubby
Channelling a Tellytubby?
Every balustrade is burnished
Here’s the queen with David Furnish,

And David Cameron showing that
His wife cannot afford a hat.
The gathered crowd all strain their necks
To sneer and bitch at Posh and Becks.
But nothing’s shabby, nothing sinister
In the Abbey of Westminister
Where trees are in the congregation
(To give Prince Charles some conversation).

And every rank of royal vermin
Spank themselves with whips of ermine
Then gird their loins, and tighten trusses
To board the sordid minibuses.
Wave a flag and find a hankie!
Here’s Queenie tucked up with a blankie
And if she nods off, quite serene,
It’s Philip’s job to poke the Queen.

The BBC shows maps as graphic:
Weren’t they lucky with the traffic?
When in the Mall the multitude
Of unwashed plebs is in the mood.
Watching Bishops march in rows
(not diagonally as we’d supposed).
Then after singing and ‘I do’s’
It’s time for canapés and booze!

‘All back to ours!’ cries Mum, her Highness,
‘Put away all thoughts of shyness
To the balcony, migrate
A million subjects at the gate!’
Camilla does a baby dangle
As, photographed from every angle,
It’s: ‘Touch my sword’ and ‘Touch my lily’
‘Kiss me Kate! Yes, kiss me Willy!’

© Clare Kirwan
Royal Wedding Guests in Pictures
Clare Kirwan is a serious poet who also sometimes writes silly stuff... or vice versa. She blogs as Broken Biro in a silly and serious way. www.clarekirwan.co.uk


  1. Have I gone too far? This wouldn't have happened if any of YOU had sent in your best topical poems... get writing & sending!

  2. Hi Clare, No you haven't gone too far. Some truly memorable lines on what, for me, was quite a disturbing spectacle. Beatrice and the Tellytubby, Philip poking the queen etc. Brilliant!

  3. Thanks, Peter! That's what comes of watching the wedding whilst on Twitter - all the silliness comes out!

  4. I'm glad you noticed Queenie's blanket too. I reckon she'd stolen it off one of the Corgis on the way out of the Palace.

  5. Too many good lines to choose one to quote! Brilliant piece of traditional rhyming verse, a bit of a rarity these days and as for going too far, well, wasn't the whole thing put on for entertainment? This poem is more fun than its subject and that is quite a feat!